synecdoche, new york...

second day i came back from tour, i went to see this movie practically not knowing anything about it other than the poster outside sunshine theater on houston... was worried my jet lag was going to creep in since the movie started at 10:20 but i ended up staying until 2:30 that night thinking about this movie...
i cannot say i understood so much of the movie... it's written and directed by charlie kaufman who is not known for conventional style and this was not an exception... still it kept me interested in and even touched by it without knowing why... obviously his movies work a lot better after you give in to his world... if you try to make sense out of it, you might get really upset at him...
first of all i have to say philip seymour hoffman was just brilliant... he is definitely one of the best actors out there and really able to draw you inside his emotions without projecting too much... he just made me feel so sad and tender especially at the end of the movie even though his character was not necessarily a sympathetic one... he is essentially a failure according to the society standard... but he is very human longing for that love and/or understanding and some way to be "special" on his own... like all of us... and he fails miserably because he never able to appreciate when he has it... like all of us...
i think charlie kaufman's movies look at these "normal" people with such tender view, they are able to touch you without making sense... after all movies are not only about story telling... it's more about how you can relate to that person up on the screen... "eternal sunshine of spotless mind" was a great example of that... we all have problems and spend most of our times trying to figure it out... relationships or your own insecurities or whatever that's supposed to make your life clearer... that gives your life some kind of meaning... we keep thinking there'll be something or someone that's going to fulfill you that you can stop looking... meanwhile we all keep failing and end up with more heartaches... but then we try again and again... keep hoping and longing...
at least that's what i felt from the first viewing... and sure there'll be more and hopefully will understand it more...
meanwhile all the actors are quite brilliant as well... has so many fantastic female actors... catherine keener, jennider jason leigh, michelle williams, samantha morton, emily watson, dianne wiest...
and also i'm so hooked on the song called "little person" from the movie... it's just so... heartbreaking... like brisk air in november...

well, what can i say...

although i still choke up on watching movies like "synecdoche, new york" or "army of shadows" or "the third man" but i stay cynical overall... i am positive the future will be better with obama taking over the office but also feel devastated and confused over what's happening in congo or sudan or backyards behind closed doors everywhere and have my doubts about so-called human nature...
i have been told many many times that i was "intense", "oversensitive", "think too much" and so on and you know what, my responses are always "fuck you..." i am not going to apologize for what i am... i don't even know what those adjectives mean... it's all relative anyway... so who the hell are you to tell me what i am and/or how i am... i don't tell you to change the way you are... i accept the way you are and if i don't like you, i stay away... so please do the same... however i used to express that in rather blunt ways that pissed some people off but since i got older, i mellowed out and figured out how to do it without getting all wound up... which is healthier of course... but then here i am, announcing it to the entire world... ha ha ha...
so after my concerts in italy last weekend, when these couple of men bought my records but then started commenting on my "looks" i was totally crept out about the whole thing... because it was obvious it was not my playing that they were into but the way i looked when i played... well maybe they liked the way i played enough but that's not the main reason why they approached and took pictures with me (one guy even snuck a kiss while taking pictures... eww...) that really does hell of good for my self esteem as a musician... but i didn't say anything to them (first of all they barely spoke english but just enough to tell me how good i looked...) and sold my records and didn't make a scene... still i was bothered inside... i feel the same when i get this dumb friend requests from guys who "collect" either female musicians or asian musicians... makes me want to vomit... i might be to quick to judge but i cannot help that's how i makes me feel... and again, that's not something i will apologize for...
so sick of labeled by what i look like or where i came from... as long as we continue to do that, we'll never get over all these racism and sexism...

obama’s victory...

yes, finally...!
he already makes america look way better than what's been for last 8 years...
however it'll be a really great day if he is not only called the first african-american president in history but rather a great president who got america out of crisis and gave hopes and dreams back to people everywhere... and people don't see him through his color ever again... and even better realize that he is mixed racially and that gave him better position of understanding difference between this thing called races...
it will be very exciting 4 years...

november already... i’m just ranting...

wow...
i have a headache from looking at the computer too long... oh, well... guess i'm a bit stressed out about leaving again... got back from west coast tour last sunday night and leave again on monday for two weeks... i'm sure once i get there it'll be so much fun but getting there is always a shrek, don't you think... oh, well... i'll get over it... at least i have all direct flights...
so yesterday was halloween... hope you had fun... it's not really my favorite holiday but it's always fun to see how far other people would go... i wore this uniform that looked like either flight pilot or female marine officer... wish i had a hat to go with it...
meanwhile i've been getting these friend requests from total random girls with messages such as "i just want to meet someone new" or "hey, i'm moving there pretty soon and looking for new friends" along with pictures of them trying to look "sexy" or "hot" or "pretty"... are these girls all for real...? because if you go to their pages all of their friends are just like them... and if they are real, that's so sad...! do you really that much attention deprived...? it's not only true when these "girls" send me messages but sometimes when i look at someone's friends because they want to add me (god, this whole thing IS idiotic...!) and see tons of female profile pictures and they are all posing that pose... i'm not that naive to deny that sex sells but seriously, how generic can you get...? sticking your tits out or your mouth half way open or stare out with that "bedroom" eyes... gee... is that really sexy to you...? do you know what other people might be doing looking at that picture...? yikes... especially when these things are done by girls barely out of their teens really make me upset...
argh... i think i've done this rant already many times but still it really really gets to me...
alright... let me calm down...
well, maybe i'll get to write about seattle... that city made me so damn nostalgic... crazy...