Friday, November 20, 2009

whew...

for some reason i haven't been able to sleep all that much for last few days... i do occasionally go through semi-insomniac stage so not too alarmed about it though...
have to say last few weeks have been pretty intense for me emotionally and somewhat physically... at the end of last month, i was going through yet another phase of self doubt, as a person and as a musician... felt the enormous depth of music and found myself feeling so small and invalid... on top of feeling already exhausted after putting myself through 3 somewhat important (?) projects which two of them came out somewhat short, i was not on the top of the world then...
however my encounter with glenn gould changed it in such a way i could go on doing what i do... sounds so silly... guess while reading "the loser" by thomas bernhard, i got so intrigues by glenn gould whose name gets repeated non-stop... then realized i had never seen him play so had to look him up... and watching this genius playing on youtube somehow made me reconfirm my belief in life... his pure joy in music and intimate relationship to the piano was so touching and complete i couldn't help feeling wanting to be there... don't think i can ever get close to the purity of music as much he did but at least i wanted to try... that place nothing exists but music and one self...
then playing at wels was yet another great opportunity for me... first of all being surrounded by all these amazing people - musicians and people involved with the festival and even (!) the audience - came together to celebrate this music... sounds so damn cheesy but it really felt like such a joyous occasion... and i couldn't help feeling happy and content... each night i found myself finding that space between me and my cello even a little bit... i really loved playing my cello... and i didn't want to stop... some of you might say (if there is anybody reading this, ha...!) "isn't it normal that you like playing cello...?" but i have to admit that sometimes i had been taking it for granted... not that i wasn't enjoying playing my cello but rather didn't appreciate the joy of it as much... but at wels, i was feeling that joy 200% surrounded by this perfect environment, making it so easy and simple and pure... then while listening to the ex, jumping up and down non-stop, i thought "this is what i want to do until i die... and i am super lucky to be able to do it..." yes, sounds super cheesy (as you know that's typical of me) and cliché but what can i say, that moment felt so real and alive...
even after coming back home, i was fortunate to play with some amazing musicians almost non-stop, playing more than ever and loving it... and catching up with new and old friends... still feeling quite high and content, i feel like i can do this... continue my journey to reach that space... content, pure, simple, honest and happy...
i used to say happiness was overrated... guess as i get older i know better...

2 Comments:

Blogger Davka said...

Hello Okkyung,
wanted to say thanks for the amazing music in Wels, it really blew my mind! Even my girlfriend, who is not into free improvisation at all, was overwhelmed by your set with Peter Evans!
About the self-doubt thing, i guess it always comes along when you deal with real creativity.
Anyway, keep up the good work, because it's people like who you make life worth living in this world. Now who's really cheesy (and right)?

Cheers,
David

PS: hope to see you playing in Berlin again!

2:58 PM  
Blogger okkyung said...

oh, thank you so much for your kind words... means a lot... and yes, i'd love to go back to berlin... that place is pretty special filled with so many amazing friends/musicians... and i like things cheesy obviously... ha ha ha...

4:10 PM  

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