home... and my grandma...
it's been about 6 days since i came to korea for the first time in more than 8 years... i wasn't even planning on coming until the 30th of december, the day after my last blog, when i found out how sick my grandma was... so got the tickets right away and i'm here now... unfortunately she's very ill and cannot even really speak... but i think she recognizes that i'm here to see her... she's gotten so small and thin... well, she was always tiny but always (sometimes annoyingly) full of energy and active throughout her life... but now she's suffering from pancreatic cancer which doesn't show the symptoms until the last stage, plus complication with diabetes... so our family pretty have accepted that she probably doesn't have so much time left... but what can we do, that's how life goes... just wish it wasn't so painful for her...
it's funny because i spent lots of time with my grandma when i lived in korea but we never really got along... since i was living in a different city from my hometown to attend arts schools from when i was 12, and she was my guardian... and as you know when you are a teenager, you rebel against anybody, especially your family... so i'm sure i wasn't all that nice to her... but in korean sentiment, there's something called "jeong" which can be loosely translated into growing fond of someone... and there are two types of "jeong"; one from only good memories you had with someone and the other from bad ones... and definitely my grandma and i grew fond of each other through many unpleasant memories... then now i'm older and more capable of thinking of other person's feeling as well, all i feel toward to my grandma is love and warm feelings...
so far she hasn't spoke a word in front of me... but once in a while she stares right at me and i think she's looking at me... and i'm sure she has a lot to say to me, probably most of them complains, especially for not having been back for such a long time... the last thing i heard from her was when i spoke to her on the phone on december 30th and she said she missed me... and i told her i did... at the moment, i am just glad at least i was able to hear her saying that and also i was able to tell her the same... and that's enough for now...
it's funny because i spent lots of time with my grandma when i lived in korea but we never really got along... since i was living in a different city from my hometown to attend arts schools from when i was 12, and she was my guardian... and as you know when you are a teenager, you rebel against anybody, especially your family... so i'm sure i wasn't all that nice to her... but in korean sentiment, there's something called "jeong" which can be loosely translated into growing fond of someone... and there are two types of "jeong"; one from only good memories you had with someone and the other from bad ones... and definitely my grandma and i grew fond of each other through many unpleasant memories... then now i'm older and more capable of thinking of other person's feeling as well, all i feel toward to my grandma is love and warm feelings...
so far she hasn't spoke a word in front of me... but once in a while she stares right at me and i think she's looking at me... and i'm sure she has a lot to say to me, probably most of them complains, especially for not having been back for such a long time... the last thing i heard from her was when i spoke to her on the phone on december 30th and she said she missed me... and i told her i did... at the moment, i am just glad at least i was able to hear her saying that and also i was able to tell her the same... and that's enough for now...
posted by okkyung at 7:05 PM
2 Comments:
I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope she's not in too much pain.
Okkyung....*HUGZZZ*.....
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